


elias eats a can of tuna

by Wiblur



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Eldritch, Elias Does Whatever He Wants, Fish, Gen, Swearing, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:42:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27106660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wiblur/pseuds/Wiblur
Summary: He winked half of his eyes, then half of the half of those eyes, then half of the half of the half of those eyes, then half of the half of the half of the half of those eyes, then the half of the half of the half of the half of the half of those eyes, then-
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	elias eats a can of tuna

**Author's Note:**

> this is so fucking cursed and weird im sorry

Elias slammed the cupboard closed, gripping a shiny, polished silver can with the label "Tuna" in one hand, obviously. His jaw unhinged; not for any particular reason, just because he can do whatever he wants. He winked half of his eyes, then half of the half of those eyes, then half of the half of the half of those eyes, then half of the half of the half of the half of those eyes, then the half of the half of the half of the half of the half of those eyes, then- actually, no, I'm confused. Anyway, he grabbed the can opener from the one drawer painted normally. He then threw the fucking can opener and stabbed it with a fork instead. Having now removed the lid, he made his jaw not unhinged to smile at the tuna. He drank the tuna can liquid like the gross, crusty old man he is. He then ate the can (not the tuna yet, he stored it in his cheeks like a squirrel), crunching on the metal and chewing the label. He then pulled the cheesecake out of the fridge. He then.. oh. Oh no I. I don't think I wanna write that. Wait wh- is he???? OH EW WHAT THE FUCK DUDE STOP RUINING THE CHEESECAKE-

Anyway, he started to eat his **nasty fucking cheesecake,** he ate it through his gums and swallowed it through his teeth. For years, we mourn the loss of this tuna can, but what could we ever do to stop the absolute monster (literally) that is Elias Bouchard. Monuments were put up of the sacred tuna can, the brave sacrifice it made was remembered in the Magnus Institue for eons afterwards. Some say eating a tuna can in the Archives will bring you bad luck for a month, or that Elias will turn you into a tuna. But then again, literally no one in the Archives is okay so eat whatever the fuck you want.

**Author's Note:**

> cant believe the can of tuna died :(


End file.
